vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let this night bear witness to these resolutions I know exactly what I need to do, so why am I resistant to it. There was an air around the bar, you looked focused or maybe a little saddened, I only looked at you. I can't keep falling into this trap with Chris. I tried already to win him but it just did not work out. So why can't I accept it? Perhaps it is my belief in fate and the way it brings two people to the same bar, or more likely second chances for girls who stumble on their words. We exchanged a few words, two awkward smiles, and a couple half-assed apologies. I think it was the best I could hope for. So I sat in a booth, surrounded by my housemates and two friends from out of town. He was flirting with me and I suppose I returned the favour. I am not sure what I was looking for when I looked into his eyes. He wants to be a firefighter. "To see how fragile someone is in that position laying on the ground" Deep but not too deep. Cute but not too handsome. The next night I found myself lying in bed, the usual routine of fantasizing about a beautiful relationship with ________. Dan sort of has a weird nose, Matt has big eyebrows, maybe the guy from the gym is gay, Dave said Cole is weird. I always find their flaws (the reasons to run ten miles the other way). Earlier this week I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world because I had options. All of a sudden none of them would do. I am looking for something I will never find. I will be forced to settle. I hated the face Ryan used to make when we made love. As if that was some sort of turning point. I need to change my measuring stick and take some chances. Jeremy made me second-guess my gut instincts. "I could kiss you forever." Apparently forever really meant until I met someone new. This year is the year I have to do some digging. I have a lot of personal work I need to do. I went out this weekend with old friends and it was dissatisfying. They aren't the people I thought they were. One can only complain about her roommates and that is all we talked about. The other makes promises and doesn't quite keep them. I am finding myself alone a fair bit this year. I seem to live a very solitary life at the moment. I am trying to change that. Two resolutions: build lasting friendships, and have greater faith in humanity and specifically men. Love, 5:45 p.m. - 11/28/2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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