vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thought bundles from a complicated week "Long day huh?" "Yes, it has been." "Are you almost finished?" "Yes, thank goodness." "Where do you live?...Oh, so with the rich people." His neck and face are wrinkled like mussed blankets at the end of my bed after a night of intense nightmares. With his greasy hair slicked back and sun damage, he reminds me of an iguana. Sometimes I think I am looking through a lens designed by Dali Some people live to work. They work every hour they can and relish in the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder. They know just how to press their lips on the bottoms of their superiors. And holidays are simply breaks inbetween the next big deal or project. Good for them. I am sure it takes some stamina. Some people work to live. Work is just a means to their leisure time or to the possessions they adore. They don't care to work their way up in their work and they maximize their holidays. 5:00 p.m. cannot come any faster or sometimes 4:53 p.m. if they can sneak into the elevator. Some people just accept certain jobs as just that, jobs, and nothing more than the means to support their other dream, and there is always another dream. A novel, band, jewelery business, etc. So there we were standing in front of the spider monkeys, and I looked over at him. I had this feeling we had been here a million times before and looked at this exhibit. Maybe it was the fact he had just told the same joke as he did on our first date. Then it occurred to me: he could be just like those spider monkeys. The way that they look up at you with big eyes that never seem to see the details or the forest for the trees and that beg for nothing other than the simplicity of comfort. Of course I knew he would never throw his own shit around the room. He wasn't...that less evolved. But less evolved in the sense that he would never want anything more than what he had already in his small existence or desire things that were bigger than what he had right now. Bigger cities, bigger houses, bigger things, a bigger life. The simplicity appealed to me for a second. Maybe that is what life is about: accepting the simplicity of things and relishing in it. Maybe that is what we are supposed to be doing. In a way I can't accept it. Because I was always the person who wanted more. I was always the girl that wanted a little bit more. When I was a young girl, I dreamed of the day I would turn 16. In highschool I dreamed of the possibility of university. I always relished the opportunity to reinvent myself. I loved the new. it didn't even have to be great, just new. In all of this simplicity, I stood there one of thousands who stood here. Taking photos in the same spot we photographed the animals. Desiring the same kind of simplicity we desire, the one the animals know living in a cage.Despite all the modern amenities, all we really want is to be taken care of. Simple things: shelter, food, and love, and that is what they had even though they are exposed and enclosed. They had the love humans always wanted. Suddenly I felt so small and dependent - just a cog in the giant machine of the world. The Copernican Revolution was vital to science for providing us with that essential truth we always desired, but destroyed the concept of the unique species. We are nothing more than just another being, perhaps an accident in the universe. So maybe accepting the simplicity is what we really needed to do, but where I came from they sometimes called that settling. And settling is a dirty word that girls who dream of their own career don't mention, that girls who still dress up don't mention. You never say settle around an independent woman. Despite the fact this moment, this agony of decision, feels like forever, it is but one speck in my lifetime. I feel in control. There is a comfort in feeling you can change things tomorrow, but there is an equal comfort in feeling it is out of your hands. So I wander through life feeling some things are predetermined, while I maintain a delightful control over things. Perhaps in that way I am slightly schizophrenic, but I am able to function. So I looked over at him again and thought about happiness and decided to embrace my inner Copernican. Perhaps this is the simplicity we all need. People will lie to your face and behind your back, but does it hurt differently? They often do both at the same time with the best damn poker face this side of Vegas. Whatever happened to sincerity? Allison xo 9:45 p.m. - 07/06/2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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