vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another 45 degree shift It is always hard to decide whether you prefer people stab you in the front with honesty, or in the back with lies to your face. The knife is just as sharp and can puncture just as many vital arteries and organs either way, but the difference is seeing the person's eyes when they do it. At least when it is in the back you can speculate about their motivations to rationalize their actions. But when you can see their eyes and you have to look at them as they do it, the pain goes deeper. So what do you do once stabbed in the front? I have always valued honesty, but how far would I really go? Suddenly I am rethinking the entire person I thought I was: the journalist. It has been so central to my thinking for the past couple years and seemed to be the natural trajectory post-graduation. Except... "To be honest, I don't think you would make a good EIC. You aren't one of the strongest copy editors and your leadership in your section during my tenure was poor." Twist. Ripping flesh and muscles. Cold wind. I fall to my knees. If not a journalist then what? I write therefore I am a journalist. For a while there was no back-up plan and suddenly I am looking desperately for the blueprints to plan B. I haven't felt this low for a while. Can I really attempt a volte face? As much as I would like to think I am, I am not a really spontaneous person and the idea of having no plan frightens me. I wanted to feel indignant when he said it, but I felt more scared than anything. What if he is right and I am not a writer at all? On the other hand, convictions do not carry from one man alone anymore. Safe to say I need to dig deep and really evaluate who I am. Ironically enough, despite my love and study of politics, I have never been one to be overtly political. That could be my downfall. The sad reality is journalists are out to seek the truth, but they want to be the first one there and many don't mind trampling a few people on the way. Pulitzer prizes, raises, syndicated columns, the holy grails of journalism. Many have fought against their own in the pursuit. It doesn't matter how much you bleed for something, but it matters who gets the story first. I would rather think of this as personal lesson for me; I need to dream a little bigger than the world I created for myself two years ago. My quest is more personal and I would not trample on people on the way to the top. I am not saying I am righteous, but I am saying it isn't a matter of life and death for me. There is more to life than mastering Canadian Press style and even though I feel I have a good grasp, I dream of worlds outside the newsroom. Shifting 45 degrees each year a little closer to my real self. <3 Allison 12:28 a.m. - 11/26/2006 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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