vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary

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crows feet

I wonder what the point is of believing love exists if you cannot enjoy it. If you don't believe in it, you can't get hurt.

We are playing an extended game of house. I play the classic domestic goddess cooking dinner and entertaining. You play the jovial husband tending bar and cracking wise. All the illusions of coupledom without any of the benefits: the kisses in the kitchen while doing the dishes, or the post-party, pre-bed chat about the evening.

It is a facade. After we say goodnight to our guests, I want to tell you to stay. Even though it is late and you have a big drive tomorrow. You packed your things like you are leaving, but you sit back down on the couch. After a few minutes you are calling a cab. An awkward hug goodbye. Gone into the rain. So I lock the door and put on the chain. I turn off the light in the hall. I turn off the TV and I listen to the pouring rain.

For the first time in a long time I feel real longing, real aching. You were right beside me. Our arms brushed. All the warmth of the night melted. I went to bed alone. Your car was parked outside. I wondered if you would come and say hello when you came to pick it up the next day. I don't know. I was sorting laundry in the basement. I wish you walked up the fire escape and peeked in the window. I wish you left a note.

I wish we still talked. I wish I felt like the way we are around our guests lasted when we are alone � I wish it didn't feel like a facade. I wish I meant something to you. I wish I hugged you tighter and kissed you on the cheek. I wish I asked you to stay. I wish you knew what it meant. I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish we could go back, even though it is the third time. I wish I ran away. I wish I didn't feel...this way.

I wanted to think it was the Shiraz and the Chardonnay that made me look at you and admire your kind eyes. The way the crows feet appear when you smile or laugh. They don't make you look old; they make me want to be with you. They make you adorable. I wish you knew.

Allison

6:00 p.m. - 05/27/2007

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