vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling the weight of a blank slate A nightmare. Trapped between the eternal dark depth and the luminous surface water. My toes cannot find the comfort of the sandy bottom and my arms are too weak to pull me to the surface. All of a sudden I've forgotten how to swim. I am flailing just below the surface. How long can I struggle? If I had to list my top two worst ways to die, I would rate by fire as number one and drowning as number two; both involve consciousness of one's suffering - time to reflect on the pain as the body shuts down. They don't tell you how hard it is to cut the umbilical cord between you and your past. The past five years of my life - my London life - came to define my adult self. I made a lot of choices about the kind of person I want to be. Sometimes these choices were freely made, more often they were made in a haste. Now, I find myself adjusting to a guest life: a transient life drifting between my adolescent home and a coupled future - packing and unpacking my things. I was so used to my independence and the strong sense of self I locked down. But, for the past five years my identity has been pinned to the student newspaper, which christened me a journalist, and now my tenure there is finished. Back to anonymity. Back to fighting to earn an inch of credibility, of reputation. It is always exciting to start something new until you've stared at the vastness of a blank slate and felt its weight. Just heavy enough to push me below the surface. I need to relax and let the adrenaline take effect. <3 Alli 8:16 p.m. - 06/18/2008 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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