vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Death of a great love on film I didn't want to watch Blue Valentine. At first, it was because I was superstitious. I had the chance to watch it at the film festival, but passed. For the first time in a while, my relationship was going swimmingly. The last thing I wanted to see was how it could all go awry. Then, it was because I didn't want to relive how it all went awry. I'd already watched my relationship die in real life; I didn't need to see the cinematic equivalent. Last night, almost six months since we ended our relationship, I felt this urge to try and watch it. I thought that now there was an appropriate distance from the raw emotions of the end. So I picked up some take out poutine for dinner to provide some comfort and pressed play. Many have used the words heart wrenching, brutal, honest and raw to describe the film. I would add uncomfortable, too real, nausea inducing. To say that it was "too close for home," (pardon the cliche), would be a gross understatement. Here is a short list: 1. Dean reminded me a lot of my ex. His exuberance, goofy side and outgoing personality are what attracted me in the first place. But he is also earnest and hardworking and a dyed-in-the-wool romantic. I never had a moment of wonder of whether he loved me -- he always told me he did. He was full of sweet surprises and one of his most frequent gifts for me was songs. It was hard to see Cindy's withdrawn nature in response to Dean's affections because that is precisely what I felt. 2. And because of no. 1, it was especially painful to watch the scene in the future room where Dean is trying to make love with Cindy and she simply allows him to do it without being present. I can't count the number of times this happened with my ex. You feel like you owe them this and yet, you cannot bring yourself to do it, so you let it happen. You withdraw mentally and drift somewhere else. You hope it's quick. Eventually, he notices you are not present and calls you out, as Dean did. Or, you just can't do it anymore and don't even allow it to happen because the thought is revolting. That's what happened to us. After a night out with friends, he expected that we would make love when we got home. I said "I don't think that's a good idea when I am feeling confused," and he said, "That's it." 3. The last scene in the kitchen is similar to the "Is this really over conversation," the ex and I had. When Dean keeps saying, "I'll do anything to fix it," my heart twisted like a dishcloth being wrung out. That's what he always used to say. "I'll do whatever it takes to fix it," but that promise was made too many times. And so I said, "I can't do this anymore." It wasn't an angry exchange. It was more sad. Like Dean, my ex had a tendency to hurt himself when upset and punched doors. That's the thing about passion, it cuts both ways. What was once intense, fiery lust becomes jealous, fiery anger. I hoped that watching it might be cathartic. It wasn't, really. Instead, it was like picking the scab off an almost healed wound to make it bleed fresh. Now, I have to wait for the scab to grow over once more. As I watched the closing title sequence with the photos of the once-happy couple, I hoped that I could, as much as I've said I can, look back at my last relationship as one of my great loves. File it like a box of beautiful amber sepia photos back in my mind. Remember the tender moments and banish the hurt. But if you can't just keep the good bits, unfortunately. <3 Alli 4:57 p.m. - 08/20/2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||