vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heart Currently Under Construction "Can I ask you a serious question?" he asked after we ordered our breakfast. "Sure," I said tentatively. What good can come after that question, I thought, but what can you do? "What do you want to be when you're grow up?" he said. "What do you mean?" I fired back. And that's when he started a rambling and confusing discussion about where our relationship was headed. It began with him explaining that he thought maybe we were headed in different directions in life. Then he recalled a past relationship where his girlfriend belittled and one-upped him. Next, he said he felt that I was perhaps a bit judgmental and recalled the night before where we were picking out wine in the liquor store and I chided him for buying local wine. Then he mused that if this was to turn into something long-term, I needed to open up more and that we hadn't connected yet. I sat staring blankly at my sunny-side eggs occasionally interjecting with more "What do you mean?" and then "Look, if you're having doubts, I'd rather know now." At times, he assuaged my fears, "No, I don't have doubts. This is still new," or "I feel better that we talked about this." Other times, I braced myself for the words, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." They didn't come, but that didn't settle my stomach. See, it's been three weeks since we started seeing each other. I was hot on the heels of a very embarrassing break up with a real jerk. I was trying to get up, dust myself off and put myself out there again. I took a chance and approached him. We instantly made plans for the weekend. On our first date, we downed several cheap mixed drinks and talked politics. Before I knew it, I was back at his place and he coyly said, "I often blurt out embarrassing things," and I said, "Like what?" To which he said, "I've been wanting to kiss you." "Just do it," I said. And that kiss blossomed into several. He asked me if I wanted to stay over, but I said that was a bit soon. He hailed me a cab at 4 a.m. and we made tentative plans for the next day. Soon we were seeing each other twice a week, including sleepovers. We were sending sweet messages and holding onto each other so tight. Finally, I thought, something is clicking. I kissed the frogs and now I get a prince. He even asked if I would go away with him for a few days over the Christmas holidays. I was over the moon. And I was trying to relax. Trying to let my guard down. Giving my broken heart some air. He noticed that I was a bit guarded and asked if I have trouble trusting people. I kept dodging the issue reluctant to explain why my heart is under construction. Then today happened and the opening of my newly renovated heart got pushed back another month. I'm again waiting for him to say "I don't think we should see each other anymore," or really, nothing at all, which would hurt so much more. 6:57 p.m. - 11/13/2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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