vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cycle of Self Loathing Whenever people ask me about my "new boyfriend," I can only shake my head. "I don't know," I find myself saying, reflexively. It's always the same self-loathing cycle: I put myself out there (even if it is only in my own mind). I send him a sweet text or ask him to get together on the weekend. I see the delivered stamp pop up below my text and I start to wait. At first, it's easy to wait. It's the middle of a work day, I say, he's busy. I go about my daily business and manage to distract myself. Then, I imagine that maybe my phone didn't notify me about his text and check and double check. To find nothing, of course. Then comes the masochistic part. I pull up his Twitter feed and check for updates. If there is nothing, I feel worse and assume he must be out with some other girl -- a girl so lovely that he wouldn't think of pulling out his phone and tweeting, even when she goes to the ladies. If there are updates, my heart drops. He has time to tweet, I think, and no time to answer my text? I'm obviously not a priority. Then, of course, I sway between saying "Fuck 'em," and moving on with my life and secretly hoping that when I'm not looking, in the 11th hour, he'll text me back and all will be fine. I am ashamed. I don't want to be the girl who defines herself and values herself according to the men she has in her life. I shouldn't need a man to feel good about myself. I have a lot of great things in my life -- a tight-knit family, good friends, a great job. I can find happiness there. And, I should find it there first. I think I need to believe I deserve someone's love before I get it. Right now, I'm trying to justify why this guy is not treating me very well by convincing myself this is how things work and I better get used to it. But is it? I deserve someone who can't wait to see me. Someone who can find a minute, even in the busiest day, to send me a note sweet or respond to a sweet note I sent. Someone who knows what they want and that wants to be with me. Another affirmation. Hopefully this one sticks. <3 Alli 10:52 p.m. - 11/25/2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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