vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That hollow feeling I knew it was all wrong when I was lying awake feeling hollow. I didn't expect that we would have sex. He said he wasn't feeling 100 per cent. But, before I knew it, he was rubbing my upper thigh and sneaking his hands under my skirt, then up my shirt and kissing my neck. He said he wasn't sure he should kiss me -- given he wasn't feeling well. All I could think was, "Pretty Woman." There we were -- him sitting up against the wall and me on top of him bumping and grinding with old episodes of Seinfeld still playing on his laptop (without the picture, of course, as his computer went to sleep). He came much quicker than our marathon on Thursday and I didn't feel the same closeness as Thursday, either. I tried pulling him physically closer to no avail. Then he pulled on his sweats and his t-shirt, gave me a peck on the forehead, rolled onto his side (with his back to me) and mumbled, "Goodnight." I turned away from him and snuggled into the blankets. That's when my mind began to race. That's when I had the sudden urge to quietly throw my clothes on and disappear into the dark of night. I barely slept. I glanced over at him fast asleep with his arms tucked behind his head. It struck me as smug. I thought, I have to tell him. I have to tell him that I can't tell whether he really likes me or if he really likes having sex with me. I'll tell him in the morning, I told myself. As the sun rose and his alarm rang, he stroked my hand with his finger tips and kissed me on the back of the head before getting up to shower. Again, when he was in the shower, I had the urge to dress as quickly as possible, maybe scribble a note or send a text from the streetcar, but to get the heck out of there. Instead, I sat reading the news on my phone. I tried to work up the courage when I was drinking tea, but instead I abruptly announced I had to leave. We hugged goodbye and he said, "I can't kiss you," to which I replied, "Lest I get whatever it is you have. I know." In my heart, I knew this was it. I wished him a good day and that he get better soon. My face sank as soon as the door closed. When I got to work, I was completely ill at ease. I tried to phone my Mom. I needed someone to stop me from what I was about to do. No answer. My cubicle mate arrived and I sheepishly asked if I could get his advice. After my long winding story, he said I needed to talk to him in person. So I emailed him. At first, I felt free. I told him the truth. I unleashed the thoughts that crashed around my mind that night keeping me from sleep. But, as I waited and watched my message go unanswered, I began to feel panicked. Did I overreact? He probably thinks I am a crazy, insecure little girl now. And as the sun went down and I still had no answer, I began to contemplate the possibility he might not answer. That this was it. It's been almost 12 hours. Nothing. And I don't expect anything now. I just have to accept I said my peace and that I made the right decision. I hope I can sleep tonight. 9:09 p.m. - 12/06/2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||