vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A most generic note It was so generic. As if he Googled, "What to say in a break-up email to let the dumpee down easily?" Like receiving a gift from a friend -- at least some you thought was your friend -- and realizing the minute you open it, they don't know anything about you. He said he didn't disagree with me that this isn't going anywhere. He said he thinks we had great intimacy, but that our personalities weren't gelling. But, he said, he was enjoying the experience of spending time with me. That sounds like some kind of meta -- virtual reality relationship. Did he like spending time with me or just the experience of spending time with me? I hate the way he phrases things and he often picks the wrong word, like when he said, "Why do you always have to be so morbid about things," and meant negative. Then, in the quintessential "I-want-to-be-remembered-as-a-nice-guy" paragraph telling me what a wonderful catch I am: smart, beautiful and very, very sexy. The thing is, I didn't feel flattered. I felt that it was so generic. He could be talking about any girl. That's when I really knew that he never really liked me. That he'd just gone along with it for the "journey" (another awful choice of words and punctuation). Twice he asked about seeing me again to talk things out. So when I finally wrote him back, I said, "Yes, I agree. Let's talk about this in person," and suggested a time and place. I got nothing in return. I guess the offer wasn't really genuine. It was what he thought he should say -- the right thing. But, he didn't really expect me to take him up on it. Silly me. Now I feel embarrassed. I must read desperate. He must think I am hoping that we'll talk and turn things around. Funny thing is, I'm not thinking that. I really just want to move on, especially having read his response. For someone who imagines themselves as deep and spiritual and in search of something real and long lasting, he isn't all that deep and he doesn't act interested in doing the work of making something real. He seems perfectly happy to take advantage of people when it suits him. He is afraid of judgement and yet, is very close-minded and judgmental about all kinds of things. He wanted me to open up to him and yet always kept himself at arms length. In a word, he's a flake. This might read as mean and bitter. Sure, I am sure there is a bit of that mixed in, but it's also the beauty of clarity -- emerging from the fog of intimacy to see things for what they are. I should have done this weeks ago. Because I am an emotional masochist, I looked at the boy-before-this-boy's Twitter feed to see if he still hits on anything and everything with two X chromosomes. Sure enough, it's all wink emoticons, self-portraits, flirtation and innuendo with a new girl -- an American (which prompts me to think, "Wow, he must be really desperate or running out of local girls if he's trying out a cross-border romance.") It seems he's only known her for a couple of weeks -- of course, I say known lightly as it is a virtual knowing -- and he's in full hog with talk of Christmas visits to New York. I want to write her and warn her that he will hide their relationship from his mother as she is white and that he has a little problem with er, his little friend, but I hold back. She'll find out soon enough, I tell myself. He goes big on the courting because that's all he's got. And this spurs me to restore my online dating profile. I added some new photos and edited it. I searched for a good couple hours only to come up with a couple meh prospects. Just as I was about to message one of them -- to throw myself back into the shark tank -- I hesitated. Do I really want to do this again? What makes me think that THIS guy will be different than his peers? So I shut down my profile again and I have no intention of going back. I want to step back and focus on loving myself again. I want to do things that I love to do and whatever comes, comes. I think this time I want to treat dating less as a sport or a game and more as a real life experience -- I can only do that offline. Here I am, learning to love myself again and feeling ready to really care about someone. 8:39 p.m. - 12/11/2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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