vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- No tidy bows There it was. All of a sudden in my inbox. He apologized for not replying sooner -- for two weeks -- and piled on some excuses: He was so sick he ended up in hospital plus he was working 12-hour days. I just felt..confused. Maybe two weeks ago I would have been okay meeting him in person and tying our loose ends into a nice little bow -- so everyone could walk away feeling good about themselves. But having agreed to his suggestion we meet, having suggested a day and a place, and heard nothing, I moved on. I reacted as any person would. And so I wondered as I read his note, why now? I could only think of two explanations: he still felt he needed to absolve his conscience and feel like he did the right thing or he wanted to try and salvage whatever we had. Of course, this made me curious. That's how I found myself waiting outside a cafe in the market. A cafe that was closed, FYI, I texted him. He walked up. We hugged awkwardly and he suggested another cafe a couple of streets over. We chit chatted as we walked. "Last week of work?" "Looking forward to the holidays?" He bought me a tea. We stirred in our milk and sugar in silence and took a seat close to the door. He looked at me and I said, "What?" I don't like being stared at. "I'll talk about the elephant in the room," he began. It was one of those strange out of body moments where your vision gets a bit hazy and you find yourself lost in your internal monologue and not really listening. I cupped my tea between my hands, warming them. But I heard him. He wanted to apologize. He didn't like ending this kind of thing over email. He again said that maybe if he hadn't been so busy at work, things might have been different. That it wasn't all about sex and he was sorry I felt that way. When he finished his spiel. He looked at me expectant. I said, "People do what they want to do." He looked puzzled. "If you really wanted to make this work, you would have made time, but obviously you didn't really want it." Then he flung the first emotional dagger. "Well, I never really felt that instant spark with you." I became aware of the fact that I don't hide my emotions well and could feel the tears building. "I don't think you really gave things a chance," I said. Then the conversation transformed into what's wrong with you -- what's wrong with me. He recalled a conversation from a couple weeks ago. "You said you were hilarious and I thought you were joking, but the more we talked about it, I realized you were serious. And, you sounded pretty arrogant -- a real turn off." I was taken aback. "I was joking. I thought we had a banter going and I was playing along." "You didn't seem like you were joking." "Well, I guess you just don't get me. Did you ever think that maybe you're a bit judgmental? That you put people on guard and they feel that they can't be themselves?" "I didn't come here to argue with you." A tear must have escaped one of my coy finger dabs. "I hurt you. I'm sorry," he said. I glanced down at my half-full tea. "You know, I think I'm going to go," I said. I got up, grabbed my purse and my coat and turned for the door. I think I told him to have a nice holiday and that I'd see him around. He looked stunned and asked if he could give me a hug. He tried to make it a warm goodbye hug, but I only had one arm free. Then I walked out. It felt good. I'd never done this before. I was raised to finish things purchased for you. But he didn't deserve any more of my time. As I came to the sidewalk outside the cafe, I awkwardly managed to pull my coat and scarf on. I walked up the street and started to cry. In those first few moments in the cold, I wondered if he would text a friend to debrief them -- tell them I was some crazy little girl. I met some of his coworkers and I could picture them laughing as he recalled our awkward encounter. But, with a couple weeks of perspective, I know that he probably didn't tell anyone what really happened. And, he probably felt bad about it. He didn't get the absolution he wanted -- the kumbaya. So I'm glad he knew he hurt me. Up until now, I didn't want him to know that. But he needs to, so that hopefully he can learn something for next time. I'm already onto the next. 10:08 p.m. - 01/02/2012 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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