vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary

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The few or the many

"Here's what you do," my coworker said.

And, so after some discussion, I texted him an ultimatum. "If you like me and you like being with me, it shouldn't be a big deal to come to the wedding with me or to be called my boyfriend. Here's the thing: You have a month to decide. In the mean time, we will not see each other, talk or text."

And, what did I receive in response? "What happened to being patient?"

Ah, yes. Patience. Two weeks earlier, we're in a dive bar enjoying some cocktails after dinner. I mention I am going to my friend's bridal shower. "Do you want to come to the wedding with me?" I joke. "Sure!" he says, "I do have a suit." Then, you could see him realizing what this meant. He came and sat beside me and put his arm around me. "But, do people even know we're seeing each other?"

Then, as I rested my head on his chest, after a hot and hard session, I said, "So..what do you think?" "About what?" he asked. "About taking this to the next level? About coming to the wedding with me?" What followed was the epitome of the male unable to express his feelings and completely afraid of commitment. I withdrew and turned over. "Well, if it's the next level or nothing, then let's do it. I want to be with you." "Okay," I said, "If you are honest with me about what you're feeling, I'll be patient with you."

I can't say I felt good about it. Sure, I got what I wanted, but I felt like I badgered him into it. I wanted to be with him, but I wanted him to want to be with me. Be patient, I told myself.

I knew, deep down, that he couldn't do it. And so, when I gave him the ultimatum, I knew it was really a goodbye.

On the other hand, I had won the affection of a wonderful guy. You know the ones: smart, funny, mature, affectionate, sweet, etc. The kind that comes to your place and cooks you a lovely homemade meal. He's everything you've been looking for, but, you just...can't..like him. You can't like like him. You want to because he could make you happy, but you just can't. And in your quest to not hurt him, while you take advantage of his affections, you end up hurting him worse. You say the things to him that you scoffed at when they were said to you. He's not "the guy."

And that's when I begin to wonder, does everyone get a great love? A once-in-a-life love -- the kind that hurts. Maybe only a few people get to experience that kind of love and the rest of us just get a wonderful companionship.

I don't know if I am one of the few or the many.

10:44 p.m. - 03/24/2012

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