vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drunk texting and drunk romancing I can't seem to stop myself. I have a few drinks and the emotions bubble up. And, I tap my finger on his name and try to think of something clever to catch his attention. "I drink old fashioneds now. And every time I do, I think of you." And when I'm really 'brave,' I put my heart on the line. "You probably don't care, but I miss you." I'm not sure what I expect to happen when I send these texts in the early hours of the morning. I guess there is a little part of me that hopes (against hope) that he will suddenly suffer some emotion. Usually, instead I get something like "If I can convince just one person of their awesomeness, I've done the whiskey lord's work." And then I remember, he has very few emotions. At least, very few I got to see. I chastise myself for being weak. Now I seem like some loathsome Desperate Debbie. He's not just some guy. Not someone I can embarrass myself with and never see again. He's my best friend's cousin. And, because of this tenuous connection, I hope when he sits down to Sunday dinner with them, that he hears about me and thinks of me, even a little bit. I have this sickness. I call it sickness because I hate it. Even if I was the dumper (and not the dumpee) -- a better position, to be sure -- I still want my exes to pine for me. I want them to wonder about me. To ask about me. To be envious of my new beau. To fight for me. That old Hollywood cliche of trying to get back the love of one's life at all costs. And I dumped these guys. For all kinds of good reasons at the time. Usually some variation of not getting what I wanted from them. Yet I need them to want me. The thing is, I'm not even sure he is worth all this fuss. The sex was great. He's in the top two, no contest. But what about his emotional immaturity? The boy who cannot be called anyone's boyfriend right now. At the age of 27. Can I really wait patiently until he is ready to call me his girlfriend? How long might that take? I was so unsure about him. So convinced that he was sleeping around. That I had a hedge boyfriend. A wonderfully nice man. But, before I knew what was happening, my drunk texts spawned a real conversation. We're talking again. And then, at 11 p.m. on a Monday, he texts me. "So I'm thinking of going and buying that game tomorrow. Thoughts?" A shiny lure. An old joke spawned from meaningless chit chat. He wants to see me. Then came the picture of the game in his hand. It's real. Two weeks passed though. Nothing happened. So I put it out of my head. Until Wednesday night, two days before the very tentative date we had planned. He texted me in the afternoon. We chatted and lobbed barbs at each other for a bit. And then out it came: "Are we still on for Goldeneye?" "I suppose," I said. Non-committal. See, the thing is, I met someone inbetween. My usual MO of working up enough liquid courage to approach an attractive young man with no intent other than telling him he's cute. Then he buys my friend and I a drink. We dance a bit. He's pretty handsy. Then we're at my place sitting on my balcony. He's smoking and I'm straddling him. Then we fucked four times over the course of the early morning hours. The next morning, he's slipped out. My bathroom garbage is filled with condoms and their wrappers. I didn't expect him to text me. But he did. And so began two weeks of very flirtatious texts. We agreed to meet, on Friday. I thought maybe the first boy would forget. That he would not follow up. I hoped he would as I began to think it would be an awful mistake to see him. Where would we end up? Back in the bedroom. The one place we never had problems. On the other hand, what makes me think that my one-night-stand with the cute college boy will turn into something other than another great lay. Now, I figure, the first one to make solid plans with me wins. And look who just texted me, let's see what happens. Either way, I get great sex. 7:02 p.m. - 07/05/2012 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||