vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Exactly as I Imagined It happened exactly as I imagined it would. The videogame was just a pretense to get me to his place. Our hellos were not as awkward as I expected. As he asked me if I wanted an old fashioned to drink, he placed his hand on my lower back. Smooth. We played two rounds. He kicked my ass. Thoroughly. What next? He placed his hand on my knee. Watch a movie? Why not watch THE movie? The one that inspired the game? Our conversation was easy, natural. It was as if nothing happened. No time had passed. And, like old times, around midnight he pulled my face to his face and we kissed. Then he pulled me onto his lap and I began to lose layers of clothing. After, he gave me his t-shirt and a pair of boxers to sleep in. We settled into bed. He, on his back. I, on my side with my head in the crook of his shoulder. I can't say I slept well. I woke up early, around dawn with my mind turning last night over and over. We didn't talk about anything. We let our bodies talk, instead. But that only seemed to complicate things. As I predicted, I felt that same hollow that drove me from his arms in the first place. I got dressed as he turned over and continued sleeping. I planned to make a quick exit, but found myself crawling back into bed with him when I tried to say goodbye. And, soon enough, we were rolling around in his sheets again. He was thrusting so vigorously that he was sweating on me. His bed was creaking from the pressure. He apologized for "messing me all up again," as I quickly got dressed again. When we finally did say goodbye, I think I said something awkward like, "That was fun. Thanks for not beating me too badly." We hugged. It felt cold and obligatory. That's when I started really questioning things. It happened exactly as I imagined it would. We slept together and didn't talk about what any of it meant. I texted him and said as much. He said we should meet for a drink to talk about it. I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't need to meet me in person to let me down easy. That it was a nice gesture, but not necessary. He said that wasn't his plan. Vague. Just the right amount of vague to give a girl false hope. I agreed to the drink, but began regretting it instantly. I could only imagine that it would be like it was last fall when I agreed to meet someone for a drink to to talk about things I learned all the things that were wrong with me. With the courage of a good friend's advice, I texted him and told him the truth. I didn't think it was a good idea. We want different things: Me, a relationship and him, none. It wasn't going to work. He said maybe I was right and that he had thought as much in the back of his mind. My first thought: He didn't fight for me. He didn't even try to say that his feelings on relationships had changed. It stung. Even though I knew it's how he felt. But, I also felt relieved. After trying to play it so cool only to feel completely hollow, I said, out loud, what I really wanted and didn't feel ashamed. I felt good. And so begins my true break from men and dating. 7:40 p.m. - 08/13/2012 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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