vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary

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If you don't open up to me, all we're doing is fucking

"If you don't open up to me, all we're doing is fucking'" I say in this imaginary conversation. Where I am brave.

I am scared to assert myself in reality and have you leave. Yet, I already feel like I've lost. How did I get here this time?

This felt right. I pegged you as a love-you-forever guy from the get and you didn't disappoint with the romance. As you are fond of saying, I swooned.

I remember clear as day standing on the sidewalk outside my apartment shivering and shuffling in my heels waiting for you to make your move. When you did kiss me, I felt it everywhere. That's when I knew this was something special.

It felt right and things proceeded as such. We saw each other more and more savouring our weekly dates. Then I brought you back to my place one night. I could tell you we're nervous and so, even though it was already the wee hours of the morning, we sat in my living room, laughed and watched old episodes of "Murder She Wrote." Finally, you kissed me deeply and I led you back to my bedroom. That's when the first glitch arose. Or rather didn't.

We couldn't have sex that night. You said you wanted to leave to lick your wounds. I pleaded with you to stay and promised we would work through it. Even though it took a few more tries of me coming onto you, we finally did have sex and it was great. Phew! I thought. We overcame that one together.

On we went. There were more fun dates and great sex. We introduced each other to our friends and talked about the future a whole lot more. We took a trip to New York over New Year's and came back closer. We're golden, I thought.

Then, this week, three months in, I started to feel really nervous. It all began as we sent each other the usual sweet, romantic texts. I told him he had my heart. He said, "Really? Nothing to worry about?" And, my smile faded. "Why do you ask? What makes you say that?" The past, he said. I told him it hurt me that he questioned my feelings for him. He sloughed it off. He said I should be flattered by the questioning as it showed he really cared. I didn't feel flattered. Even after I changed the subject, he abruptly ended the conversation without the usual pleasantries.

My heart sank like a stone. My mind raced to all the worst conclusions. Another girl. His ex girlfriend. Maybe he still loves her. Maybe he's realizing he's not ready for this -- something he alluded to when we had trouble in the bedroom. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I hoped that things would go back to what I was used to and I would receive a midday sweet text. Nope. After a call to my Mom for advice, I sent a sweet text of my own telling him how I was crazy about him and how happy he makes me and how I hope we are okay. I didn't hear back all day. Finally, he said, we're fine. You know I feel the same way, he said. I'm sorry if I upset you. All the warmth that usually came with his texts was gone.

Something is wrong I said to myself. Sure, enough, when I asked about his day, he was having a roughy time. I tried to be supportive and told him he could talk to lame about it if he needed. He said thanks and stopped responding.

Later that night, a <3 popped up on my phone. There it was! A beacon. We texted like we used to -- all lovey dovey. I felt relieved. We are okay.

Today, I sent you a "Hope today is a better day!" text and, after one exchange, you dropped off. Again. Unusual.

I tried to tell myself that maybe you are working. Busy. Stressed.

But I got mad. Then why not just tell me that and I'll leave him be. I wish he could open up to me and just tell me what's wrong. I'm too scared to push him to ask.

I don't think I'm going to like the answer. I'm bracing myself for it .

But if he can't or won't open up to me, how is this relationship any different than the disasters that came before? If he can't open up to me, all we're doing is fucking and I can get that anywhere. XI thought this was special.

Silly me. Fooled again.

1:34 a.m. - 01/24/2013

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