vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Come what may Come what may. I'll be okay. That's what I keep saying to myself as I make my way through day two of the silence. My boyfriend is taking some time to think after a fight -- our first. I have no idea how long he plans to take or what he plans to say to me and how he plans to say it, if he says anything at all. Of course a lack of knowledge doesn't stop one's mind from racing forth to all the worst possible conclusions! And my mind is exceptionally gifted in this capacity. The worst possible outcome is that he made up his mind straight away and is just working up the nerve and the narrative to break things off. In this scenario, I imagine him already back on the dating apps, making weekend dates with new prospective girlfriends. The second worst is that he is an emotionally immature man and can't face up to talking about his feelings and decides to just not saying anything and ghost me. In this scenario, I imagine him just going on with his life as if we never met, never fell in love. The third worst is that he made up his mind immediately that he wanted to break up, but when he talks about it to friends and family, they are trying to dissuade him from acting rashly. So he is now torn about what to do and continues to be silent until he knows what to say. In this scenario, I imagine him going up to his family cottage this long weekend to unplug and think about it further, making it seven, or even eight, gruelling days of silence to endure. The fourth worst is that he doesn't know what to say to me and is completely torn about what to do. In this scenario, I imagine him polling his friends and family about what to do. I imagine his male friends and brother advising him to move on and I imagine him being more and more susceptible to this line of thinking as he talks to more people, eventually breaking it off. The least worst is that he doesn't want to break it off, but feels that he must take some space to show that I hurt him and that this is serious. In this scenario, I imagine him as a small child feeling a raw kind of hurt that only time will truly heal. While there are many possible outcomes, there is one constant: I am in the dark. And I need to start getting comfortable in the darkness because there is no light in sight. It's very unclear what to do at this moment. I think we're still together, but maybe we're on a break. If we're on a break, will he start seeing other people? Should I start doing that? What is the point at which I can reasonably say, you've had your time to think and now I need an answer: in or out? Again, come what may, I'll be okay. I need to just go on with my life and not act as though I'm in a waiting room. The thing is, I feel like he is in the driver's seat, controlling my emotions with his silence and space. But it doesn't have to be that way. If at any moment I start feeling like this should end, even if he comes back, I can do that. For as much as he is deciding his future with me, I am deciding my future with him, too. The best case scenario is that he comes back and says that he's thought it over and that while he was hurt, he still wants to be with me. Great! The thing is, do I want to be with him? I remember what I thought when we first started talking on the dating app. He was one of three potential suitors that I was sizing up for dates after my last relationship fizzled out. I thought he was cute and we seemed to carry on a good conversation. I liked that he asked me out right away -- we met the day after we first connected. Our first date I remember liking him more and more as the night wore on and we talked. He was intelligent, funny and open and self-aware. And then I suggested we kiss to see if we had physical chemistry and check! It was a very good first kiss. Then the very sweet messages began about how much he enjoyed our date. We made quick plans to see each other again. And again. Then he said he was cancelling his other dates and didn't plan to go back on the app and we became a couple. We spent a weekend away together at his family cottage. I met his brother and aunt and uncle and father. He met my parents and my sister and brother-in-law. We started to meet each other's friends. It became real. Soon he was staying over every weekend, leaving a toothbrush and soap and extra clothes at my place. We started making plans months out for trips across the country and even across the ocean. And we said I love you at the same time. Something that hasn't happened since my first great love. That's our love story, but to make this decision, I need to get down to brass tacks and the best way to do that is a list. When my marriage fell apart, I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in my next partner that was intended to serve as a kind of checklist that I could use to evaluate potential partners. So how does he stack up against that list? At that time, I wrote that I wanted someone who: -is smart (has at least a BA) So how does he score? I would say he has all of these qualities, except that he doesn't volunteer (as far as I know), he doesn't have the healthiest family relationships in terms of his immediate family, but is close with some family, and he isn't really gregarious, but rather more quiet and reserved. But that's just a laundry list of traits. What about how our actual relationship has been? For the most part, I think we have a good, healthy, and loving relationship. I will say that it's been more of a slow burn than the bonfires that I've had in the past, but I'm actually pretty okay with that. While not necessarily as fiery, it is more consistently good. One of my favourite things is how open we've been with some of our shortcomings and our baggage. He knew about my divorce early on and didn't have any issues with the fact that I've been married before. He knows that sometimes I can have a short temper. I know that he sometimes struggles with anxiety and that he takes medication for it. I know that he cheated on one of his previous partners. My other favourite thing is that we know how to give each other space. We don't see each other everyday, but still talk everyday and still feel a closeness and intimacy. Both of us are able to go our own way and recharge our batteries, bringing our best selves back to the relationship. Now, that last bit is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's great as I mention above, and, on the other, it can be complicated when people have different expectations about what is a good amount of time to spend together. Or when one person makes and breaks plans a bit too easily. It might sound silly or, at worst petty, but the one thing about him that has been bothering me is that he often makes plans with me only to break them at the last minute. They aren't firm plans, mind you, but they are still plans. When he does this, I feel disrespected and rejected. He usually does it when he's not feeling well or is over tired and needs to rest. I can't fault him for that, but I just wish he would either not make the plans knowing that he's tired or ill or give me a bit more notice so I can make other plans for myself. On a related note, it bothers me that he doesn't seem to take good care of himself, which is why he's always sick or tired. He eats poorly or works too much or forgets his medication or refuses to do anything to ease chronic back and knee pain. Then he has to sleep for half a day or ice his knee or come down from some bad anxiety.12:48 p.m. - 05/15/2018 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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