vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary


All the big and little things

He said he felt in his heart that something was missing and that he couldn't ignore that feeling. It infuriated me to read it, thinking about all the times he looked me in the eye and said it was right, but I have to be honest and say there were things missing for me, too.

The biggest thing is that I stopped planning my life ahead -- the goals, dreams, and plans I had started to go onto the backburner. The truth is, I didn't see him as part of them and my words betrayed my thoughts on this front because I would say that "I" was going to do something and not "we." Take my plan to travel to Spain next Spring, for example, I finally saved up enough travel points to book my ticket and I mentioned it to him, asking if he'd go. He said, "Sure," but I knew he could never afford or, frankly, may not want to take the trip I wanted to take.

We talked about living together, but I never really pictured it in my mind. His life just seemed too duct-taped together to blend seamlessly into mine.

The more I thought about it, the more I felt I was breaking my own rule about not dating fixer-uppers. He needed a lot of work and frankly, I wasn't willing to put the time in.

Then there were little things, including the way he looked at me. At one time, his gaze was filled with lust and admiration and respect, but slowly it started to become more blank. It started to become emotionless.

Or the way he didn't really like to kiss. Or the way he never really came on to me or seduced me, but rather matter-of-factly announced we could go and get naked together. He never really told me I was beautiful or sexy. He figured out how to make me cum, but our sex life became routine. He didn't really like dirty talk and he cared way too much about blow jobs.

Or the fact that he almost broke up with me straight away when I said I was leaning toward no on the kids thing, but then when I did warm up to the idea, I started to see that he didn't seem to have himself together enough that I could see us bringing up baby together.

One of the puzzles for me was how we went from being open and frank and honest to not talking at all. In the end, I wondered if our anxieties were too similar causing us both to stand back and wait for the other person to be brave or to say something while we were simultaneously pulling away.

So, as much as I want to hate him and push all of this back on him, I had my doubts, too. I had doubts in terms of his feelings for me, which made me excruciatingly anxious, but I also had doubts when it came to whether this could go long-term. I didn't really see him fitting into my life long-term. At least not the life I had started to build before we met -- the one where I was always planning the next trip, for example.

So why didn't I cut this off sooner, knowing all that I know? I think I wanted to love someone. I was ready to love someone and he happened to be the someone at that time. And so I gave him the love that I wanted to receive: a wonderful understanding and nonjudgmental love.

4:32 p.m. - 06/04/2018


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: