vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Swiping for self-worth I'm still so angry about him. When I opened my laptop last night, I saw his final text again and it stoked the fiery rage inside me again. I'm angry because I feel like I got duped, again. Duped at a time when trusting someone felt like a gargantuan task. Duped after letting my guard down and saying I love you and planning for a collective future. But did I ever really trust him? I don't know. Our relationship always felt like it was teetering on the edge of a cliff and so I tended to keep my armour up, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Quietly, I'd been suffering for a couple of tense months, feeling him slowly pulling away just as the last one did, and the one before that. Privately, I was morose and publicly, I put on a brave face and tried to march on. But I don't hide my feelings well and soon enough they started to dribble out. He tried to reassure me that this was what he wanted -- that he wanted to be with me. He said all the right things. All the things you'd want your boyfriend to say. Only problem was his actions didn't line up. "I miss you," and then he wouldn't keep our plans because he was feeling anxious or tired or sick. I tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt and to respond to him as though he were a child with kindness and empathy. But it kept getting harder. So I started to push back -- not being available when he finally was, leaving long gaps in our text conversations, forcing him to make the next date. I felt like I needed to get some power back. I'd spent so much time waiting patiently for him to feel better, less anxious, and more interested in this relationship. Waiting for him to move it forward. In truth, it was a test. Would he fight for this? (An idea that I admit is based more in romantic comedies than reality.) And he didn't. He couldn't be bothered. That was like a dagger. I felt played. Here was this guy that gushed about our first date and quickly set up another. Here was the guy who after a great third date said that he was cancelling all his other dates to focus on us. Here was the guy who made such a show of being open and honest and saying he wanted us to be able to talk about everything. Here was the guy who introduced me to his family and talked about going on vacation together and moving in. Here was the guy who said he loved me. Here is the guy who removed my photos from his Instagram and broke up with me over text after saying something was missing that he couldn't articulate. It makes me still so angry to even type that. He is such a coward. When I think about him, I imagine him on new dates, sitting across from another bleach blonde basic babe who is boring him to bits with talk about her bestie who can totally get them into that new club. And I think, good, you asshole. Good luck finding someone with as much substance as me, someone as funny and intelligent, and, frankly, someone willing to put up with all your bullshit. The only reason he gets away with it is because he's attractive. A shiny shell with a hollow interior. The only thing that brings me a bit of joy is imagining him explaining our break up to his smart-as-a-whip aunt, whom I know really liked me, and her saying "That's too bad. I really liked her." I remember one of his perennial hang ups was becoming his father -- an aloof , selfish, and still juvenile man. I told him that he doesn't have to become that person and that he can choose to live a different life. That we have some agency and it's not all just genetic destiny. Now I see that he was afraid because he sees some of those traits are starting to take hold. Surely, he did, too. If nothing else, maybe what we both take from this is a lesson about the kind of person we want to be. For him, does he want to become like his father and never have a really meaningful relationship? For me, do I want to keep ending up with men like him and like my ex-husband who don't value me? I've always said I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person, but my actions tell me that I have a hard time being alone. I planned my first date with him when I had plans later that same week with the one before him. As soon as we broke up, I was back on the apps, swiping away. Right now, I think I need the validation. I need to know that I'm beautiful, smart, funny, sexy. I just want to hear some guys say it. Because maybe then I'll start to believe it and I'll start to say no to cowards. 1:07 p.m. - 06/11/2018 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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