vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary

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Love yourself

If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?

While it's a cheeky line from RuPaul's Drag Race, I've been thinking about this idea a lot lately as I try to date again in the wake of my last break up.

I thought that the best way to get over him was to aggressively get back into dating. I reactivated my accounts the same night we broke up. It worked for a while; being on a dating site can be a huge confidence boost. But before long, you remember that dating is work. It's a side hustle that drains your time and energy. It's especially draining when you're doing it alone with no girlfriends to commiserate with or share war stories. Sure, your married or coupled girlfriends want to hear about it, but more because it's a fun sideshow for them.

Two weeks after the break up, I booked five dates. I decided to create a very aggressive schedule, subconsciously thinking that if I just booked enough dates surely one of them would pan out and turn into something real. Playing the classic numbers game.

The first of the dates was a complete misfire. A 41-year-old advertising director who kept asking me what I was wearing in our first conversation, but whom I agreed to meet for Lambrusco - my new favourite summer drink - anyway. I sent him a message that day to confirm and got a disheartening, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I have to teach a class tonight. Another time?" I chided, "Not a great first impression," but then still tried to make it happen, saying "Let me know when you're free." I never heard back from him.

Then there was Mr. Safe Sex Slight of Hand. I wrote about him already and so he deserves no more words. I guess there is a bit of an epilogue, which is that I told him he violated my trust and that I didn't want to see him again.

After that, the film producer with a trunk full of baggage, including baby mama drama. We had a great time with lots of good conversation about both real and silly things and we had a surprisingly hot makeout in his car when he dropped me off. I decided that whatever this was, I wanted to sleep with him.

And then there was the reverse snob who hated the place I chose for drinks and who takes the cake for worst conversation on a first date of all time. I even tried giving him a shot at a second venue of his choosing, but it still felt so awkward. He didn't seem to get or laugh at my jokes and we didn't seem to have much in common. I asked him what shows he watches and he said he doesn't watch TV. Womp womp. So I was very surprised when he sent me a text, ostensibly to ask me out again. I straight up told him I felt no romantic connection.

Finally, there was the kind teacher. I booked an afternoon drink on a day I shouldn't have and ended up being rudely late. Not a great first impression, but he was lovely anyhow. Having the summer off, he's very well-travelled and has an interesting job and owns his own place and.... I feel no romantic connection toward him. Stability seems to make my vagina dry.

By the time I got home from that Saturday drink, I was exhausted and deflated. My grand plan had failed. I didn't want any of these men to become my new boyfriend. I felt a bit foolish, thinking that a bit of elbow grease applied to the dating game would net me a new man. And then I felt ashamed that this was even my goal. Why did I so desperately want the love of a man?

I've started to realize that I've been on the same fruitless quest since the divorce: I've been trying to find someone who would prove that I am lovable - that I am worthy. It felt like I just needed to find the right man and that somehow his love would heal this gaping wound in my chest.

I've been going about this all wrong and looking for the love I need in the wrong place. The love I need will be found within me. It's only then, when I truly love myself, that I will bring my best self to my next relationship. I feel silly that it took me so long to realize this pattern I was falling into.

That's why I need to take a step back from dating and focus in on building a life I love and building the love I need for myself.

Maybe this will sound silly, but this felt like a big decision and it made me a bit nervous. What if I take this step back and miss out on meeting the right guy? Sure, that's a risk, but I'd rather take the time to learn to love myself and take that risk than continue killing myself trying to find that love in someone else.

So I started to think about things that I want to do, just for me:

1. Get that Morocco tattoo I've been thinking about for a year

2. Go and do a stand-up paddle boarding lesson in Toronto

3. Commit to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and to changing negative thought patterns

4. Find a meaningful volunteer opportunity

5. Seriously look at starting that side hustle

11:20 a.m. - 06/27/2018

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