vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- half baked theories are as good as half baked brownies Coldplay is on television and I remember travis' broken promise about writing me back. Sometimes I feel like I push and push and push people and end up watching them leave. I really hate stewing in anger or being one of those people who only blames others for their unhappiness. You are the one in control of what happens to you. You are your own filter. Sort through the unhappy gunk in your head and discard it. In the end it is the coffee you want not the ground beans. I'm sure that if I do this, I have much more happiness then I think I do. I think it is just easier for people to feel sorry for themselves, crying, huddled up in the fetal position on their beds. I have been there. But if I was outside my body looking at myself I would be ashamed. I think the best part of life is rebuilding. I may have a broken plate but if I reassemble the pieces on the floor, I can make something out of it again. I kind of like the mosiac I made more then the original plate. It has character and that is what lifes trials have given me. But I only gained the character by reassembling things. I sound like some kind of wannabe guru. It's really hard to come to that place of acceptance. There is so much of you that still wants to believe that things can work/you can change someone/it will get better in time. But that is all part of the illusion created by the fantasies in your mind. You build things up more and more and more until you can no longer recognize what is real. You can't differeniate from the real feelings or what really happened, they are faded together. That is why we feel so hopeless, it was so great in our minds, but transfered to the world it flopped. Erick was right in a sense. I don't think dreams lie, but they are more deceptive. You are able to control everything that happens. Possibly working it out in your mind, as a testing ground. Doing things you wouldn't normally do or say, they suddenly come so easily. The other people in the dream respond the way you want them to. Often you know that in reality this isn't what would happen. But it is a nice illusion, an escape. We live in such a hedonistic culture. Constantly searching for personal fulfillment and pleasure. Our main goal in life is to make money so we can purchase things that will appeal to our senses. Expensive food and clothing, luxury cars. [Side note: I really hate when people go off on a leftist tangent and "hate the man", I am just venting some things are occupying my mind] It's all in an attempt to feel good. Alcohol and drugs disract us from reality and allow us to imagine that the dream is real. This concept is the basis for most of the ad campaigns out there. Beer, clothing, music, insurance, everything. I know this entry was scattered and jumpy but I just had all this stuff floating around in my head. Maybe they are half proven theories still in the works, but it helps me to figure things out by just emptying my head. I hope it at least made some sense/mattered. Love always Alli xoxoxox 6:15 p.m. - 2002-08-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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