vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary


I just wanted to be desired

I broke my own rule. Well, two rules, really.

I created my own set of ground rules when I started to date again after my divorce. They were pretty simple.

1. No sex on the first date. It can set the wrong tone unless that is what you're looking for - in which case, get it girl.

2. Condoms are non-negotiable until exclusivity is established. Given that I start by dating two or three guys at a time, this is just for safety reasons alone. I've never had an STD and I'd like it to stay that way.

3. No sleepovers until you're in a relationship. When I'm still in the dating mode, I like to have my space and don't want to inadvertently give anyone the wrong idea by slipping into relationship habits.

They are not all negative rules. There are some positive ones.

1. Open mind. No expectations. When I go on a first date, I remind myself that I need to keep an open mind and have no expectations. This is so I give the person an honest shake either way.

2. Kiss everyone on the first date. Chemistry is important. I've gone on two or three dates with someone before we kissed and then discovered we don't really have chemistry. I want to know that right off the bat.

Last night I broke two rules, I had sex with him on the first date and, without my immediate knowledge, we didn't use a condom.

It hit me like a thunderbolt. He started to say that he was going to cum and reached his hand down to pull his dick out of me. I was on top of him and I pulled myself back, recoiling as I looked down at the semen pooling on his stomach. I was confused. I said, "You didn't put a condom on?" kind of incredulously. He said, "No, I asked you if you had anything and you said no." I said, "That isn't asking me whether it's okay to not use a condom. You should have asked." He said, "How did you not know?" I said, "I trusted you. That when you pulled out your own condom, you put it on."

I wasn't scared of pregnancy -- I have an IUD and that is way more effective than condoms anyway. I wasn't even really scared of STDs, though I should have been. I felt betrayed. I trusted him. I communicated clearly what I wanted and he still pushed ahead.

You know, he started trying to get back to my place as soon as we got down to the dregs of our wine. Alternating between a respectful gentleman and a horny teenager, he would promise that he only wanted our kiss to be private and special and that he'd leave in 30 minutes and then he'd say that I wanted him to come back with me. We walked to his car and he asked me if he could walk me home. I said he could walk me to the bus stop. When we got to the final crosswalk before the stop, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back as I tried to start walking across the road. Okay, I thought. He's going to kiss me here. Nope. He made a final plea. 30 minutes. Perfect gentleman. I was getting tired of resisting his pleas. I said he could drive me home and I would decide on the way whether he could come in. I thought, maybe the car will feel private enough for him to kiss me. He kept badgering me. Fine, I said.

Of course, as all stories of this kind do, it ended with us kissing on the couch and quickly progressed into my bedroom. At some point, I decided that I just needed to fuck him as if to fuck my body's memory of the last man away. So I went along with it. I think I kind of knew that I was never going to see him again. While the sex was okay and hit the spot I needed to hit, I found myself less and less attracted to him with all the desperate pleading.

And then he pulled out, revealing he did not wear a condom as promised and I had an out. I said that it was getting late and that he should go home. That I needed to think and that I didn't really want to talk about it just then. He tried to finagle his way into sleeping over and I said no. I got up, crossed the room nude, and put on a robe, pulling it closed tightly. I waited in silence for him to gather his clothes and leave. He tried to prolong his exit and twice turned back at the door, hoping I would kiss him goodbye. I stayed by my bedroom door with my arms folded and wished him a safe drive home.

All I could think was, how did I get here? All I wanted was a nice date with a cute guy and a bit of a kiss at the end. Instead I wound up full of regret and shame.

In the moment, I was so angry with myself for being so weak and for going along with things.

But looking back now, I think I actually had a lot of power and took what I wanted and that there is no reason to feel ashamed of it.

I think the reason I let it go so far is that he was in some ways the antithesis of the last one. He told I was beautiful and sexy. He clearly articulated what he wanted. He was sensual. He made me feel desired in a way that I needed to be desired. And it's okay to just want that sometimes.

12:46 p.m. - 06/13/2018


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