vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary


Accidental I love you

Last night, after he came and before he rolled off of me, he said I love you. On our third date. I desperately tried not to look alarmed. I rubbed his back and said, "I'm going to chalk that up to the weed."

And then, after our second round, he said he was falling for me. I told him the truth and said that I like him, but that I wasn't quite there yet and that I needed to be honest that I was still seeing other people.

My head started to swirl with worry. Here I was thinking that we were in the same place - that we could just casually date and have mind-blowing sex - and here he was telling me he was falling for me. He clearly wants this to become more. He then said all he wanted was for me to sleep in his bed as often as possible.

He was being so sweet and all I could think about was how long I could let this go on. How long is fair when the feelings become uneven?

As we leaned against the bar at the Dakota and watched the band's second set, I started to think about what a future with this man could look like. More nights like this at dimly lit music venues across the city with his community of fellow musicians. Nights where I lean against the bar and watch him playing with the band. Nights that I get to go home with the guitarist and have amazing sex. I liked what I saw. Me re-buttoning his western shirt and then standing on my tiptoes and kissing him softly before he hits the stage. The little glances during the set. All my teenage fantasies come true. I'm dating the man in the band.

And, while I like this vision a lot, I'm trying to see the whole picture. An important of that whole picture is that this man who is the king of the Dakota is the same man who still smokes joints with strangers in the alleyway. The man who owns his own business is the same man that lives with a roommate like a college kid. In some ways, he's still stuck in his twenties, which can be endearing, but also grating.

I think this other side of the picture comes from the way I try to imagine a future with someone. I usually picture me introducing him to my family and friends and see how that feels. It's not a great barometer as what should matter is not what others think , but what I think and feel.

The thing is, I'm not sure how I feel yet.

I think that's why all I want to do is enjoy how it feels to have his arm around me at the bar and to kiss his soft lips and to savour that moment of euphoria after my second orgasm. Whatever it is right now is working for me. The thing is, is it working for him and how much longer can I get away with it?

2:50 p.m. - 07/21/2018


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: