vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving on We all like to think at a certain point we grow up and become slightly more sophisticated versions of our younger selves. Often this involves a large amount of acceptance, realism, and a movement away from previous beliefs (to an extent). When I read the email from the journalism program I applied to, I felt a sense of relief and excitement - I realized I really wanted to go. I need to move on. It felt very grown-up to accept it. That is not to say I haven't enjoyed my time at the paper - all four years - but more that I need to start defining myself. The work at the paper can, and often does, consume you, but if you love it, it doesn't seem so bad. To be honest, the past couple years I haven't been as happy there; I have felt sickening stress, and anxiety trying to balance school, work, and life. I don't regret the friends I have made (life-long ones) or the great opportunities I have had, but I feel the need to grow-up and do something more. Even if I don't get into the journalism program, something needs to change. This student newspaper is not quite journalism and I am not yet a journalist. If that is really what I want to be, I need to start paving a way there. I want to give 100% of my energy to school, to be able to pay bills with a cushion, to embrace my creative writing roots. If I stayed here and spent another year working at this paper, I am not sure where I would end up - further ahead or in the same place I am now. I used to say it is a personal goal, but I have realized I put a lot of personal goals aside to be at the paper. I could have written a thesis (with a wonderful supervisor), I could have had a stellar average, I could have dated more, I could have done theatre, I could have gone on exchange. Rather than have a bigger list of regrets, I want to start living the life I want now. When I interviewed the four British Columbia boys responsible for the Buried Life, I realized how much we put on hold in the course of living life. What are we waiting for? I used to be more impulsive and just give my all. I don't blame the paper for stifling me: I blame myself for allowing it to dissolve my ambition. It is comfortable and safe, but the challenge is gone. I might just be one of those people who have to dive in head first and sink or swim before I learn what I can do. I don't think I want to be a copy editor - at least right now. I would like to try to make writing happen and try to work for fashion magazines and try to work overseas. In order to become the person I want to be, I need to move on. I want to be able to enjoy the year-end party and saying goodbye to the place that gave me so much. I don't want to be sitting in that office next year struggling to edit another story because I feel trapped. I have always been something of a chameleon. My mom encouraged me to think long and hard about running for editor-in-chief because she didn't want me to have regrets. But now I realize because of all the sacrifices I made to be there I have a few regrets. That is no way to live. When something you used to love is making you unhappy and you don't foresee it making you any happier next year, you should move on. It is better to have loved and lost, they say. Don't worry about me. I might make a few mistakes along the way and things might not work out at first. But I have to take a chance they will and believe there is a reason behind everything. I have a feeling I need to move on and it is not because I am scared of losing; it is because I am scared of losing my life. I feel very zen about the whole thing. There is so much to do and it has just begun. <3 Allison 2:18 p.m. - 02/18/2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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