vinylgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinking love Current temperature: -16 degrees Tonight at 8 p.m. I will deliver a personal ultimatum. He doesn't know it is coming, but after the first few sips of frothy drinks I will make a decision - an educated one of course. I tried to be less impulsive, less of a gut-thinker/reactor, and live in the moment. I always wanted to be one of those girls who could date anyone and not think about it from every possible angle, but just enjoy the good moments you can have with someone. Letting go is not something I have come to easily. I find it absolutely frightening. Severing the only lever that can stop the machine from chugging ahead without my control. People will disappoint you. You have to expect it. They won't know you at all and you won't know them. They will make decisions you call contrary to their character. I will say things like "But you never liked _______ before." Maybe I never knew you at all. Maybe you became one of those people I decided I didn't want to be a long time ago. You said I was overly negative; I said you don't know me at all if that is what you think. You disappointed me. When I said I wasn't angry, I meant it � I meant I was disappointed. I had that moment of acceptance during the cab ride home. As my driver dashed through 2 a.m. traffic, I realized this was it for you and I. You lied to my face and said it wasn't true. Don't mistake me for a bitter woman, that I am not. I have come to accept we all make thousands of choices that accumulate to form a path. It's funny though, because for a while you had me believe in destiny. If two people run into each other enough, there must be a reason. Or perhaps, just a series of accidental meetings of our paths. I don't know why I fooled myself and why I let you fool me. I suppose I will always be a romantic no matter how analytical I become. Can you think love? Can you will it? Can you reason it from variables like a and b? Can you put it into a syllogism and explain it? Or is love that sick feeling you are losing someone important in your life? Does love make us ache more than feel light? If we saw it, would we recognize it for what it is or would we be fooled? Can love hide in the flesh of an ordinary boy? Are the fairy tales true that he will transform into a prince with the release of love? Sometimes when I meet someone's boyfriend or see a picture of an engaged couple, I wonder who settled. Who got tired of waiting? Cynical. My mother told me she wasn't absolutely enamored with my father when she met him, but that love grew with time. I wasn't sure whether this is love's dark secret or a poor portrait of love. Feminists would say I have been programmed to expect the Hollywood "happy ending." I am not a feminist. Allison 3:58 p.m. - 02/04/2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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